By: Kelly
According to society, falling in capital-L love is the equivalent of having a magical spell placed on you. Being In Love is seen as a force as omnipotent as the Holy Spirit itself. Love swoops down on you and fills you with a sense of blissful peace and certainty, changing your life forever. Except, just as it is with the Holy Spirit, love is more about believing and accepting than it is about anything else. The power comes from your thoughts and feelings and what you choose to do with them, not some ethereal presence.
Sometimes you fall in love very quickly but more often than not, it happens so gradually you didn’t even realize it is happening. Sometimes we fall in love because we desperately want to and sometimes we fight it tooth and nail. How can all of these things be possible? Because love is nothing more or less than the sum total of thinking and feeling. This means that there is no single uniform force called “love”. Everyone approaches it from a slightly different perspective. As Chuck Klosterman, author of Killing Yourself to Live says,
"…I have never understood the concept of infatuation. It has always been my understanding that being ‘infatuated’ with someone means you think you are in love, but you’re actually not; infatuation is (supposedly) just a foolish, fleeting feeling. But if being ‘in love’ is an abstract notion, and it’s not tangible, and there is no way to physically prove it to anyone else… well, how is being in love any different than having an infatuation? They’re both human constructions. If you think you’re in love with someone and you feel like you’re in love with someone, then you obviously are; thinking and feeling is the sum total of what love is. Why do we feel an obligation to certify emotions with some kind of retrospective, self-imposed authenticity?"
His point is, love is completely subjective. And that isn’t sacrilegious. Some people will say, "Love doesn't exist!" just as they say the Holy Spirit doesn't exist. I would say, you're right. There is no actual thing called love just as I personally don't believe there is an actual Holy Spirit. However, I would quote the best line in any book ever (Dumbledore in HP#7) and say, "Of course it's happening inside your head but why on earth should it mean that it is not real?"
Because love is subjective, it means we have power and control over our own lives. It means that if a relationship doesn’t work out, there is a chance to get back out there and find love again. If we take it back to the Holy Spirit analogy, some people seem to welcome the Holy Spirit into their lives every single Sunday. They mess up every week, beg for forgiveness, and start anew. As long as they are still capable of believing and accepting the Holy Spirit, they can do it as many times as they need to. Love is the same way.
However, just as the most zealous churchgoers tend to be the ones who are “saved” again week after week, the people who worship the idea of being saved by love fall in and out of it so often. Just as people are quick to criticize those Christians that are fickle in practicing what they preach, it tarnishes the name of love to use the word so carelessly. We should be sparing with the word “love” so that we know it actually means something when we do use it.
Most people would be horrified to know that I can’t remember the first time my boyfriend told me he loved me. But guess what? I don’t remember the first time I told him I loved him, either. For us, it wasn’t necessary to make this grand profession to one another. We showed each other through our actions and after a while, the L-word just naturally slipped into our conversations from time to time like it was the most obvious thing in the world that we love each other. We never say “I love you” before we say goodbye. Because it is implied in everything else we say and do. I don’t need him to reassure me that he thinks I’m beautiful and that he loves me, or any of that other crap because it emanates from every look and gesture. As Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows through it.” So for the love of Love, don’t wear it on your sleeve.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
Guys be Trippin'
By: Kelly
I have something to say to all the guys out there who create barriers and complications in their relationships because of mind-altering substances.
First of all, we don’t want to be buzz kills, party poopers, or kill joys. Usually when something bothers us, we keep it to ourselves for precisely this reason. We don’t want to seem like we are getting upset over something meaningless and we certainly don’t want to stop you from having fun.
However.
It’s not meaningless. When you are drunk, high, tripping, or rolling, you are not you. I don’t buy it when people say drinking alcohol or doing drugs brings out your true personality without the inhibitions you normally put up. Those inhibitions are your common sense and your ability to care about other people. Call me crazy, but I think those are important things to have. When you’re fucked up, you say and do things brashly without worrying about how its going to affect other people. You are somewhere else, on a different brain frequency, and you can’t intercept or send signals to someone on a normal frequency without them getting crossed or lost altogether.
There is no more lonely feeling in the world, quite frankly, than being with someone who is constantly on this other brain wave. By choosing to do get fucked up, you are ostracizing the other person from yourself, and you from them. You might say, “I’m really not that different! I’m just more laid back, more relaxed!” But the other person swallows a little harder every time you forget something yet again and every time you let a rude comment slip. “I forgot you were coming over. I’m so sorry.” Or, “Why would you say that, that’s just dumb.” The little things build up.
“You just don’t understand,” is another common excuse. “If you knew how it felt, you wouldn’t resent me for it.” Sorry, but this is not going to check out either. Trust me, I understand that reaching that other state of mind with someone can be one of the most intimate experiences you can ever have. It’s one of my best memories, in fact. But there is a difference between smoking with your boyfriend because it feels good and because you want to, and doing it because you feel like you have to in order to connect with him. No guy should ever put a girl in that position.
I was put in that position and I learned that it’s ostracize, or be ostracized. The second I know you’re drinking or smoking, I am not going to talk to you until you come back to reality. If I do otherwise, I’m just going to end up feeling disappointed and alone.
I’m not saying a guy can’t drink or smoke with his friends or his girlfriend. But if you live a different lifestyle than the one your significant other wants to live, there are going to be problems. She might go along with it for a while but eventually, you’re going to have to choose between your way of life and her. If not, she’ll choose for you. I guarantee it. And when she does, don’t you dare go to your friends and say, “She just wouldn’t let me have any fun!” Because it’s the farthest thing from the truth.
I have something to say to all the guys out there who create barriers and complications in their relationships because of mind-altering substances.
First of all, we don’t want to be buzz kills, party poopers, or kill joys. Usually when something bothers us, we keep it to ourselves for precisely this reason. We don’t want to seem like we are getting upset over something meaningless and we certainly don’t want to stop you from having fun.
However.
It’s not meaningless. When you are drunk, high, tripping, or rolling, you are not you. I don’t buy it when people say drinking alcohol or doing drugs brings out your true personality without the inhibitions you normally put up. Those inhibitions are your common sense and your ability to care about other people. Call me crazy, but I think those are important things to have. When you’re fucked up, you say and do things brashly without worrying about how its going to affect other people. You are somewhere else, on a different brain frequency, and you can’t intercept or send signals to someone on a normal frequency without them getting crossed or lost altogether.
There is no more lonely feeling in the world, quite frankly, than being with someone who is constantly on this other brain wave. By choosing to do get fucked up, you are ostracizing the other person from yourself, and you from them. You might say, “I’m really not that different! I’m just more laid back, more relaxed!” But the other person swallows a little harder every time you forget something yet again and every time you let a rude comment slip. “I forgot you were coming over. I’m so sorry.” Or, “Why would you say that, that’s just dumb.” The little things build up.
“You just don’t understand,” is another common excuse. “If you knew how it felt, you wouldn’t resent me for it.” Sorry, but this is not going to check out either. Trust me, I understand that reaching that other state of mind with someone can be one of the most intimate experiences you can ever have. It’s one of my best memories, in fact. But there is a difference between smoking with your boyfriend because it feels good and because you want to, and doing it because you feel like you have to in order to connect with him. No guy should ever put a girl in that position.
I was put in that position and I learned that it’s ostracize, or be ostracized. The second I know you’re drinking or smoking, I am not going to talk to you until you come back to reality. If I do otherwise, I’m just going to end up feeling disappointed and alone.
I’m not saying a guy can’t drink or smoke with his friends or his girlfriend. But if you live a different lifestyle than the one your significant other wants to live, there are going to be problems. She might go along with it for a while but eventually, you’re going to have to choose between your way of life and her. If not, she’ll choose for you. I guarantee it. And when she does, don’t you dare go to your friends and say, “She just wouldn’t let me have any fun!” Because it’s the farthest thing from the truth.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
For All You Writers Out There...
By: Monica
Just a clever quote making a crucial point :)
“This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important.
So write with a combination of short, medium, and long sentences. Create a sound that pleases the reader’s ear. Don’t just write words. Write music.” — Gary Provost
Just a clever quote making a crucial point :)
“This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important.
So write with a combination of short, medium, and long sentences. Create a sound that pleases the reader’s ear. Don’t just write words. Write music.” — Gary Provost
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Just a Little Somethin'
By: Monica
Sometimes I wonder about the little things that irk us throughout the day and make our seemingly burdened situations even more burdened. There are all sorts of minor improvements that could make life a more joyous state, or perhaps a bit more bearable at the very least. I want glasses that don’t slip off my nose and typewriters that don’t actually involve me having to type. I want pre-washed fruit and cows not to fart methane gas so I don’t have to concern myself with how much pollution they are contributing to the already global problem. I want potato chip bags to close themselves after I’m done taking a handful so I don’t have to worry about them staying crispy and fresh. I want for mechanical pencils to never run out of lead. I want shoes to tie themselves and for high heels to feel like sneakers. I want my car keys and cell phone to float around at my side so I never lose track of them. I want airplanes to let me pick my seat when I get on them. I want carpets to never scrunch at the corners of my bed. I want band-aids to stay on and ibuprofen to work within the first five minutes and maybe for life to be a little less complicated.
But, then again, these little hindrances define our humanity. Life is filled with the emotions we exchange with our fellow human beings. And animals. And, most importantly, ourselves. How your nose wrinkles every time you prevent your glasses from slipping off of your face. The determined look you get when typing vigorously. The way you care to run the apple under warm water before drying it off and handing it to me. The laugh you emit when you find out that cows fart methane gas. The scowl you throw me when you bite into a stale chip because I failed to close the bag correctly. The trip to the store to buy more lead for my mechanical pencils—and another bag of chips—thus forcing me to interact with society. The way you offer me your arm to lean on when my heels start to cut off the circulation in my feet. Your relieved expression when I find the car keys wedged in the backseat of my van. The excitement of searching for my assigned seat on an airplane. 46 ABC… 47 ABC… 48 ABC. Your sigh when I ask you to help me straighten out the carpet for the fourteenth time this month. When you hand me a Superman band-aid because you noticed my Ninja Turtles one is coming off. When you pack a bag of ice for my head and tell me pointless stories until I fall asleep. These are the countless emotions we pass through each other on a daily basis. This is the beauty of life’s complexity.
Sometimes I wonder about the little things that irk us throughout the day and make our seemingly burdened situations even more burdened. There are all sorts of minor improvements that could make life a more joyous state, or perhaps a bit more bearable at the very least. I want glasses that don’t slip off my nose and typewriters that don’t actually involve me having to type. I want pre-washed fruit and cows not to fart methane gas so I don’t have to concern myself with how much pollution they are contributing to the already global problem. I want potato chip bags to close themselves after I’m done taking a handful so I don’t have to worry about them staying crispy and fresh. I want for mechanical pencils to never run out of lead. I want shoes to tie themselves and for high heels to feel like sneakers. I want my car keys and cell phone to float around at my side so I never lose track of them. I want airplanes to let me pick my seat when I get on them. I want carpets to never scrunch at the corners of my bed. I want band-aids to stay on and ibuprofen to work within the first five minutes and maybe for life to be a little less complicated.
But, then again, these little hindrances define our humanity. Life is filled with the emotions we exchange with our fellow human beings. And animals. And, most importantly, ourselves. How your nose wrinkles every time you prevent your glasses from slipping off of your face. The determined look you get when typing vigorously. The way you care to run the apple under warm water before drying it off and handing it to me. The laugh you emit when you find out that cows fart methane gas. The scowl you throw me when you bite into a stale chip because I failed to close the bag correctly. The trip to the store to buy more lead for my mechanical pencils—and another bag of chips—thus forcing me to interact with society. The way you offer me your arm to lean on when my heels start to cut off the circulation in my feet. Your relieved expression when I find the car keys wedged in the backseat of my van. The excitement of searching for my assigned seat on an airplane. 46 ABC… 47 ABC… 48 ABC. Your sigh when I ask you to help me straighten out the carpet for the fourteenth time this month. When you hand me a Superman band-aid because you noticed my Ninja Turtles one is coming off. When you pack a bag of ice for my head and tell me pointless stories until I fall asleep. These are the countless emotions we pass through each other on a daily basis. This is the beauty of life’s complexity.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Conversations with A Long Distance Couple 2
Last one, I swear.
On “how was your day”?
Him: I didn't ask about your day
Him: i DON'T GIVE A SHIT
Him: lololol
Him: keep going
Him: jk
Him: I'm so fucking pissed.
Me: Why?
Him: Work. I covered for someone and it was the worst day ever. The boss was being a bitch.
Him: But I'm not gonna bring that home.
Him: Honey, how was your day?
On idealism:
Him: I just put you on a pedestal.
Me: One day when we aren't together anymore you'll see clearly.
Him: One day *if* we're not together.
Me: Maybe you still will one day even if we are together.
Him: You should be worried if I don't put you on a pedestal
Me: I guess i just don't think that way
Him: Yeah I'm the naive idealist. You're the cold-hearted realist.
Him: What do you think 90% of lucid dreamers are trying to do? FLY!...and then try to have sex.
Me: How did that work out for you?
Him: It didn't. I always lost control when I started talking to my fantasy woman. Too hard to focus and produce dialogue for two people.
Me: Why didn't you skip the talking?
Him: You're forgetting this is my pathetic fantasy. It couldn't just be a hook up.
Him: See, dreaming can be cool. Do you still hate it? Because I'm going to bed.
Me: Even if I could control it, I would still hate the idea of dreaming.
Him: What could be wrong with hallucinations and amnesia while comatose?
Me: Forced escapism.
On political arguments:
Him: Fuck the state. I don't think in legal terms.
Me: I think you would probably live a different life if that were true.
Him: How so?
Me: *list of illegal activities he does only in the comfort of his own home and hides*
Him: Psh.
Me: Wow you're right what a startling and convincing response. What was I thinking?
Him: THE WORLD WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER IF WE JUST ABOLISHED THE STATE YOU GUYS I'M SUPER SERIAL.
Him: You mad bro? Oh you're mad.
Him: Unless the author is referring to emperors in general...BUT IT'S NOT THE FUCKING PRAETORIAN GUARD.
On parting:
Him: Bye. Maybe I'll talk to you again sometime.
On male dominance:
Him: I want some fasces or a toga
Me: Planning on fratting it up?
Him: No but fasces would be cool as hell to play with.
Me: Bundle of sticks symbolizing power?
Him: Don't forget the axe. Lictors were the body guards that certain roman officials were entitled to have. They were granted imperium, or the power to command men and the rods and axes symbolized their authority to punish or execute according to the law.
Me: So you would like to pretend you have imperium?
Him: No I just wanna hit stuff.
Me: From my experience, it deviates from the same impulse.
Him: *sends me picture of a girl with huge boobs holding a giant fish she just caught. He had recently changed his profile picture to one of him holding a slightly smaller fish* This girl I hate just changed her picture to that.
Him: I feel like it's a challenge.
Me: Well I don't think your boobs will ever be the size of hers.
Me: Oh, you meant the fish.
Me: This guy is destroying me. He just said the only difference between me and a cadaver is that the cadaver is probably good enough looking to make it onto a crime investigation show.
Him: Lol
Him: i mean, I'm gonna kick his ass
On clingyness:
Him: (types a ton of stuff that I don't respond to)
Him: Keeps talking...feels pathetic...
Him: Wall of text...neediness levels rising...
On pretending to dump me:
Me: Have you been skiing before?
Him: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T KNOW. IT'S OVER.
Me: Understandable.
Him: Oh God, *mutual friend* just IMed me saying "hey you"
Me: She probably just wants to have sex. But why is that an "Oh God"?
Him: Hey you? That's an annoying thing to say.
Me: Good to know the things that annoy you >:)
Me: Speaking of which, like omg did you get football tickets?
Him: I'm dumping you.
And just proof that we have the occasional cutesy conversation and aren't as dysfunctional as I made it appear:
Me: Still feeling like shit?
Him: Well now that you're talking to me
Me: Lol
Him: I feel much better.
I didn't want to repulse you with the lovey dovey stuff haha.
On “how was your day”?
Him: I didn't ask about your day
Him: i DON'T GIVE A SHIT
Him: lololol
Him: keep going
Him: jk
Him: I'm so fucking pissed.
Me: Why?
Him: Work. I covered for someone and it was the worst day ever. The boss was being a bitch.
Him: But I'm not gonna bring that home.
Him: Honey, how was your day?
On idealism:
Him: I just put you on a pedestal.
Me: One day when we aren't together anymore you'll see clearly.
Him: One day *if* we're not together.
Me: Maybe you still will one day even if we are together.
Him: You should be worried if I don't put you on a pedestal
Me: I guess i just don't think that way
Him: Yeah I'm the naive idealist. You're the cold-hearted realist.
Him: What do you think 90% of lucid dreamers are trying to do? FLY!...and then try to have sex.
Me: How did that work out for you?
Him: It didn't. I always lost control when I started talking to my fantasy woman. Too hard to focus and produce dialogue for two people.
Me: Why didn't you skip the talking?
Him: You're forgetting this is my pathetic fantasy. It couldn't just be a hook up.
Him: See, dreaming can be cool. Do you still hate it? Because I'm going to bed.
Me: Even if I could control it, I would still hate the idea of dreaming.
Him: What could be wrong with hallucinations and amnesia while comatose?
Me: Forced escapism.
On political arguments:
Him: Fuck the state. I don't think in legal terms.
Me: I think you would probably live a different life if that were true.
Him: How so?
Me: *list of illegal activities he does only in the comfort of his own home and hides*
Him: Psh.
Me: Wow you're right what a startling and convincing response. What was I thinking?
Him: THE WORLD WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER IF WE JUST ABOLISHED THE STATE YOU GUYS I'M SUPER SERIAL.
Him: You mad bro? Oh you're mad.
Him: Unless the author is referring to emperors in general...BUT IT'S NOT THE FUCKING PRAETORIAN GUARD.
On parting:
Him: Bye. Maybe I'll talk to you again sometime.
On male dominance:
Him: I want some fasces or a toga
Me: Planning on fratting it up?
Him: No but fasces would be cool as hell to play with.
Me: Bundle of sticks symbolizing power?
Him: Don't forget the axe. Lictors were the body guards that certain roman officials were entitled to have. They were granted imperium, or the power to command men and the rods and axes symbolized their authority to punish or execute according to the law.
Me: So you would like to pretend you have imperium?
Him: No I just wanna hit stuff.
Me: From my experience, it deviates from the same impulse.
Him: *sends me picture of a girl with huge boobs holding a giant fish she just caught. He had recently changed his profile picture to one of him holding a slightly smaller fish* This girl I hate just changed her picture to that.
Him: I feel like it's a challenge.
Me: Well I don't think your boobs will ever be the size of hers.
Me: Oh, you meant the fish.
Me: This guy is destroying me. He just said the only difference between me and a cadaver is that the cadaver is probably good enough looking to make it onto a crime investigation show.
Him: Lol
Him: i mean, I'm gonna kick his ass
On clingyness:
Him: (types a ton of stuff that I don't respond to)
Him: Keeps talking...feels pathetic...
Him: Wall of text...neediness levels rising...
On pretending to dump me:
Me: Have you been skiing before?
Him: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T KNOW. IT'S OVER.
Me: Understandable.
Him: Oh God, *mutual friend* just IMed me saying "hey you"
Me: She probably just wants to have sex. But why is that an "Oh God"?
Him: Hey you? That's an annoying thing to say.
Me: Good to know the things that annoy you >:)
Me: Speaking of which, like omg did you get football tickets?
Him: I'm dumping you.
And just proof that we have the occasional cutesy conversation and aren't as dysfunctional as I made it appear:
Me: Still feeling like shit?
Him: Well now that you're talking to me
Me: Lol
Him: I feel much better.
I didn't want to repulse you with the lovey dovey stuff haha.
Conversations with A Long Distance Couple
Cont'd. Really, I'm just posting these for myself to look back on. You may or may not find them amusing.
On marriage:
Him: Lol love
Him: Who said anything about love
Him: I was talking about marriage
Me: I should just pretend I didn't understand her little sex talk and be like, "Mom I thought I wasn't supposed to have sex unless I was married."
Me: Joking aside, I mentioned to her that i'd rather elope than have a wedding and she said she would kill me.
Him: Your mom would kill you for running off with me?
Me: Supposedly
Him: Isn't that what you're doing come fall?
Me: i don't think we're running off anywhere.
On changing for other people:
Me: I'm not going to try to be liked. I either will be or I won't be.
Him: Jesus, I tried to make you like me
Me: But I liked you all along
Him: Psh, like that mattered. You're about as readable as a brick wall. Or maybe I'm as literate as a dog.
Me: It doesn't seem fair that I've always been cynical and will only become more so as I age. Maybe I'll be naive and sweet someday.
Him: And on that day I will dump you
Him: Oh I have a problem with you. You're too normal and rational. I need you to be ridiculous like a girl.
Me: I actually got a little panicky at the thought of having to do that. But if that's what you want...
Him: No, hell no. And I'm not sure you could do it.
Me: I couldn't. Not for an hour.
Him: :)
On lesbians:
Him: Strong independent women are always lesbians or stuck up in real life
Me: :(
Him: Besides you of course
Me: Uh-huh.
Him: <3
Him: Whoops meant to send that to Phil
Him: You shoulda stayed friends with her. You could be hitting that.
Me: Blah I can't compete with a lesbian just go have your threesome with her and her girlfriend.
Him: What no. I want to have a threesome with you and her.
On being shallow:
Him: What would you think of me getting my head shaved?
Me: I'm not sure I could look at you with a straight face and I might make you paper bag it during sex.
Him: What. You're so shallow.
Me: It'd only be shallow if I dumped you. I'd just tell people you had cancer.
Him: Well I wouldn't get it all the way shaved. Just a crew cut.
Me: Oh well that's different. Get it cut however you want.
Him: Are the sorority girls at least attractive?
Me: By normal standards they'd be like 7's/8's. Here they're like 12's.
Him: What are you on your scale:
Me: In their own minds, all girls oscillate from 0 to 10 depending on the day. Uh, i mean I would never attach a number to myself. That's degrading. And shallow.
Him: I'm kinda shallow. If you were fat, we would be friends.
Me: Well yeah, I would say the same. So I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Him: Obviously you're a woman
On fighting:
Him: Are you following this?
Me: Thanks I'm actually not retarded.
Him: Really I couldn't tell. What with going to see a shitty CGI circlejerk of Spielberg's.
Me: Lol
Him: Omg we were fighting and you ruined it. Now we have to go back to being abnormal and never fighting.
Me: I done answered wrong. You went from a drunken confession of your feelings to setting a break-up date in the future.
Him: Why?
Him: Talk to me.
Him: TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS DAMN IT.
On marriage:
Him: Lol love
Him: Who said anything about love
Him: I was talking about marriage
Me: I should just pretend I didn't understand her little sex talk and be like, "Mom I thought I wasn't supposed to have sex unless I was married."
Me: Joking aside, I mentioned to her that i'd rather elope than have a wedding and she said she would kill me.
Him: Your mom would kill you for running off with me?
Me: Supposedly
Him: Isn't that what you're doing come fall?
Me: i don't think we're running off anywhere.
On changing for other people:
Me: I'm not going to try to be liked. I either will be or I won't be.
Him: Jesus, I tried to make you like me
Me: But I liked you all along
Him: Psh, like that mattered. You're about as readable as a brick wall. Or maybe I'm as literate as a dog.
Me: It doesn't seem fair that I've always been cynical and will only become more so as I age. Maybe I'll be naive and sweet someday.
Him: And on that day I will dump you
Him: Oh I have a problem with you. You're too normal and rational. I need you to be ridiculous like a girl.
Me: I actually got a little panicky at the thought of having to do that. But if that's what you want...
Him: No, hell no. And I'm not sure you could do it.
Me: I couldn't. Not for an hour.
Him: :)
On lesbians:
Him: Strong independent women are always lesbians or stuck up in real life
Me: :(
Him: Besides you of course
Me: Uh-huh.
Him: <3
Him: Whoops meant to send that to Phil
Him: You shoulda stayed friends with her. You could be hitting that.
Me: Blah I can't compete with a lesbian just go have your threesome with her and her girlfriend.
Him: What no. I want to have a threesome with you and her.
On being shallow:
Him: What would you think of me getting my head shaved?
Me: I'm not sure I could look at you with a straight face and I might make you paper bag it during sex.
Him: What. You're so shallow.
Me: It'd only be shallow if I dumped you. I'd just tell people you had cancer.
Him: Well I wouldn't get it all the way shaved. Just a crew cut.
Me: Oh well that's different. Get it cut however you want.
Him: Are the sorority girls at least attractive?
Me: By normal standards they'd be like 7's/8's. Here they're like 12's.
Him: What are you on your scale:
Me: In their own minds, all girls oscillate from 0 to 10 depending on the day. Uh, i mean I would never attach a number to myself. That's degrading. And shallow.
Him: I'm kinda shallow. If you were fat, we would be friends.
Me: Well yeah, I would say the same. So I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Him: Obviously you're a woman
On fighting:
Him: Are you following this?
Me: Thanks I'm actually not retarded.
Him: Really I couldn't tell. What with going to see a shitty CGI circlejerk of Spielberg's.
Me: Lol
Him: Omg we were fighting and you ruined it. Now we have to go back to being abnormal and never fighting.
Me: I done answered wrong. You went from a drunken confession of your feelings to setting a break-up date in the future.
Him: Why?
Him: Talk to me.
Him: TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS DAMN IT.
The Conversations of a Long Distance Couple-Sex
Apart from when we're pretending to be jealous of each other, sex comes up a lot for a couple who can't have it.
Me: You better tell me when that becomes all you care about.
Him: What, sex? I'm about five years too late.
Me: We were never pathetic virgins though.
Him: Yeah, I was just an asshole and you were stuck up.
Me: We've changed so much.
Him: Well in the future assume first, ask questions later.
Him: Like if you're wondering if I want to have sex.
Him: I think I understand music now.
Me: Haha what, sexual frustration?
Him: Basically.
Him: Nothing you could do could make me leave you.
Me: Challenge accepted. Just kidding, but really it would be quite simple. What did I read today? "Men need to learn that they are always slave to their penises far more than we are", or something like that.
Him: Lol BS, you need my cock.
*five minutes later*
Him: Okay you were right.
Him: *not paying attention, thinking about fucking you*
Me: I just downloaded Bon Jovi. I deserve to be with an ogre forever.
Him: Well I don't listen to music so you're good
Me: ummm I also love American Idol? And type likee thiss?
Him: You better put out
Him: This is your cutest picture.
Me: haha thanks
Him: It's not really a compliment is it? It could be a terrible picture but relative to the others, it could be the cutest.
Me: Jerk.
Him: I'm a jerk for pointing out the flaw in my compliment?
Me: Idk I'm supposed to call you names and pretend to be offended. Flirting 101. I don't make the rules.
Him: Sorry. If you insist, we can do that. As long as you continue to gratify me sexually.
Me: lol I've never wanted to do that, it's just a societal habit. Flirting vapidly I mean, not gratifying you. I'm good with that.
Him: (talking about a friend's mom) She waited on me hand and foot like you need to do for me.
Me: Bullshit, you won't let me.
Him: Bullshit, you just sit there and tell me to make and bring you food.
Me: Well, yeah. Can you imagine me surviving in the 50's? I cannot.
Him: You can't cook, I'm pretty sure you hate laundry. I think you like baking but that's just because you're a fatass. Can you sew?
Me: No but I'll clean sometimes and watch kids and provide sexual favors so I'm a keeper.
Me: You better tell me when that becomes all you care about.
Him: What, sex? I'm about five years too late.
Me: We were never pathetic virgins though.
Him: Yeah, I was just an asshole and you were stuck up.
Me: We've changed so much.
Him: Well in the future assume first, ask questions later.
Him: Like if you're wondering if I want to have sex.
Him: I think I understand music now.
Me: Haha what, sexual frustration?
Him: Basically.
Him: Nothing you could do could make me leave you.
Me: Challenge accepted. Just kidding, but really it would be quite simple. What did I read today? "Men need to learn that they are always slave to their penises far more than we are", or something like that.
Him: Lol BS, you need my cock.
*five minutes later*
Him: Okay you were right.
Him: *not paying attention, thinking about fucking you*
Me: I just downloaded Bon Jovi. I deserve to be with an ogre forever.
Him: Well I don't listen to music so you're good
Me: ummm I also love American Idol? And type likee thiss?
Him: You better put out
Him: This is your cutest picture.
Me: haha thanks
Him: It's not really a compliment is it? It could be a terrible picture but relative to the others, it could be the cutest.
Me: Jerk.
Him: I'm a jerk for pointing out the flaw in my compliment?
Me: Idk I'm supposed to call you names and pretend to be offended. Flirting 101. I don't make the rules.
Him: Sorry. If you insist, we can do that. As long as you continue to gratify me sexually.
Me: lol I've never wanted to do that, it's just a societal habit. Flirting vapidly I mean, not gratifying you. I'm good with that.
Him: (talking about a friend's mom) She waited on me hand and foot like you need to do for me.
Me: Bullshit, you won't let me.
Him: Bullshit, you just sit there and tell me to make and bring you food.
Me: Well, yeah. Can you imagine me surviving in the 50's? I cannot.
Him: You can't cook, I'm pretty sure you hate laundry. I think you like baking but that's just because you're a fatass. Can you sew?
Me: No but I'll clean sometimes and watch kids and provide sexual favors so I'm a keeper.
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